Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
