i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
