why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
