If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
