There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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