What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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