dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
