i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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