You can't motorboat a personality
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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