let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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