bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
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She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
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We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Sext me about skeletons
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
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