Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Randomize
