Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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