I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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