why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
