John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
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