Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
