so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
