I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
