there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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