Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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