Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
