im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
