You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
