FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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