The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
