i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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