Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
