and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
