Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
