I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
