i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
