I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
they need to just BURY HIM!
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
