The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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