I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
