I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Randomize
