I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
