Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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