I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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