Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
