just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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