she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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