I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
