I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
