He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
