i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
