Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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