my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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