My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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