I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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