I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
