apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
