Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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