tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
