Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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